Soccer Star

This Spring has been Chloe's first soccer season and, to put it mildly, she is LOVING it!!

I asked Joe if maybe she will be our hidden sports talent - to which he laughed and said, "Only if you like to watch a ballerina on the field." So this may not be her life's calling, but she's loving it. One week left and she is sad to see it end. Here she is in action!

She's aggressive - yep!

Water break!

I see budding talent here!!

Cheerleaders!!

Jada's Big Day!!

Happy Birthday Sweet Jada~

Our Precious Gift Turns 4 Today!!!

Attachment

We started Jada with a play therapist who also specializes in attachment and bonding - it was all for her you know - NOT something Joe nor I needed! We felt that it was worth going to try - yet another person that might have the key to unlock our little one. Our initial thoughts on this wise man was that we could finally breathe a big sigh of relief - he was not another doctor that looked at us and said he was baffled by her behavior - he looked at us with tenderness in his eyes and said, "I've seen it before - all of it." He encouraged us with the progress we have made and sent us home with two books to read (I told you I liked this guy!!).

We went back today for what I thought was his first time with Jada (like I said, Joe NOR I need this therapy). He promptly took us all in his office, had Jada cuddle up on Mom's lap with her feet in Dad's lap and it began. It was a journey like no other. With my almost-four-year-old snuggled up on my lap, we took turns feeding each other a pretzel --literally feeding each other - it's like birdie feeding and it's to build trust. However strange it felt, I put that aside and nearly had tears running down my cheeks. This little one that has spent the last three and a half years of her life with no mommy to feed her was enjoying every minute of her Dad and Mom feeding her pretzels - just like a baby bird with her mouth wide open - except when she was smiling so much she couldn't open very wide.

But the big ride came when our therapist had me tell Jada what it would have been like if she had come out of my tummy. I tell you what, I have never had to think SO hard. I had to tell her what it felt like the day she came out of my tummy, what I thought when she came out of my tummy, what it felt like to hold her minutes after she was born. I was doing all I could to hold myself together as I told my little one "our birth story". She was beaming the whole time - I mean truly beaming - her eyes never left mine - she was soaking it all in. She had a birth story and so did I. I felt for the very first time, that this little one was a part of me. Some feel that with a referral picture - I never did. Some feel it when they are handed their little one - I never did. Some feel it after they've been home a bit - I haven't yet - until today. This little girl, that I have never doubted that God put with our family, and whom I love dearly has just never felt like "mine." I can't explain it any other way - I could follow God's call - I could raise her and shower her with love - but I did not feel that bond as strongly as I had felt it with my other kids......until I told her about the day she was "born". That is not an easy story to tell - but what it did to my heart was amazing.

We then went on to tell her about the day we flew to China and were given one of the best gifts ever!! Her adoption birth story - it is all a part of her greater story. Although she never came out of my tummy - she and I both needed to hear that story. I wasn't the only one crying either - Joe was choking up telling her what he felt the day she was "born". And all the while, I told you Joe NOR I need this therapy - I hang my head in shame - I am never beyond taking help, God puts people in your path to help you. This is another one of those instances. It was an amazing experience. We watched as he pressed her hands and feet on black construction paper to make her prints - just like on the day she was born. Jada will be four in two days - we do not have tiny hand and feet prints in a baby book - but we now have almost-four-year-old hands and size 9 feet prints to remember the day...the day we relived her "coming out of mommy's tummy."

It makes me wonder - who is this therapy for anyway?? We did it for Jada but I see that it may speak volumes to Dad and Mom too....

Mother's Day Thoughts

In honor of Mother's Day, I wanted to share this. A friend shared it with me and it SO resonates with where I am a lot of the time!

Daily-ness

"Blessed is the man who listens to me, watching daily at my doors, waiting at my doorway." Proverbs 8:34

Life wouldn't be so hard if it wasn't so daily. As I sit here surrounded by laundry and dishes piled high in the sink, I see more than ever how life wears us down one day at a time.Crumbs litter the floor and dirty smudges cover the windows. And I have yet to discover where that smell is coming from. For this mother of four, a simple trip to the grocery store requires an act of God and Congress – attempted only when we are down to powdered milk and Ramen noodles. Not thirty minutes ago a little one-year-old boy clung to my legs, belting out that scream - you know the one, bats can hear it. And I felt my coping skills slipping away. Not because he was crying but because he cries every day. The daily-ness. The job of motherhood feels so vast, and frightening, and unending. I am called to raise these children in the fear and admonition of the Lord and yet there are days that I can't seem to get out of my pajamas much less lead them in a time of prayer. I think anyone could endure the temper tantrums of a small child or the rebellion of a teenager or the constant needs of another if they lasted just one day. But the truth is that these things are the stuff of daily life. And when I am honest with myself, they grind down the rough edges of this woman.

Because parenting can not be all about me when diapers must be changed, noses wiped and beds made.In those moments I force myself to take a deep breath and thank God for this season of life. These children. The privilege of wiping noses and bottoms and counter tops. A privilege many women would love to have, but don't. I remind myself that the days are long but the years are short. And one day I will look in the rear-view mirror and see empty seats. The cup that is overflowing right now will slowly drain. The stretch marks will fade. And I will find that a new set of daily struggles has overtaken me. When that day comes I will find the strength to face them as well because God gives the grace, daily. The daily-ness.

As C.S. Lewis once said, "The thing is to rely on God... Meanwhile, the trouble is that relying
on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing has yet been done." Your daily-ness is probably different than mine, but it is nonetheless God-ordained. It is exactly what we need to live dependent on His grace instead of our own strength. The One who knows us best, who knit us together in our mother's womb, has allotted these days that are equal parts trial and triumph. And He knows that we will see Him most clearly from a place of dependence. So today I embrace the normal things. The daily things. Another round of laundry. The ring in my toilet. The dust on my dresser so thick a child could write his name. But even more than that I want to celebrate the important things. A child slowly learning to read. A husband that finds his comfort in my arms. A baby who learns to walk and talk. Because all these are the things of life: some mundane and some holy. And all of them must be received daily.

Dear Lord, sometimes daily life is just hard. And we're tired. And overwhelmed. But You promised to be our strength and our hope and our comfort. So today we look to You for what we need. Would You meet us in this, our daily-ness, and help us receive Your grace?

In Jesus' Name,
Amen.

Grandma's Big Day!!!

Happy Birthday to a FABULOUS Grandma!!
We are truly blessed!

15 Today

15 years ago today we celebrated our first child - a boy!! We couldn't have been more excited!! He is a joy and a very special blessing. He is one of the greatest big brothers I know and has made teenager-land do-able!! We love you big guy!

M&M's Anyone??

Chloe is quite proud and I must share. We went to a local library last week for Kindermusik and, since it was National Library Week, there were drawings for each day - Monday's just happened to be a VERY LARGE jar of M&M's on the counter. Chloe definitely wanted to enter and proudly told me, "It's 1000, Mom - will you write it for me?" We did just that - put in her guess of 1000 and off we went. I must say we were SHOCKED when we got a call that Chloe won - there were 1078 in that jar and she was the closest!!! So we are now the proud owners of 1078 M&M's - anyone want to share!?!!?

Stretching

I know it has been awhile since I have posted my heart's feelings on my blog but today I am feeling compelled to confess where I have been over the last 6 months. As I sat in church this past Sunday and wept away - I was struck again by how sometimes we obey just because we know we need to. I did not have any desire to sing some of those worship songs - I mean really, "Take My Life" - my initial thoughts were "I did that God, I gave my life to you, I followed what you called me to and now I have more work than ever - Jada is more work than I ever dreamed possible and she is one of 5 kids." But I opened my lips and I sang - I sang those words because I believe them. I follow God because I believe Him. I don't follow Him because of what I will get out of it. It is tempting - it is tempting to think, "I've followed you faithfully for over 30 years, and this is what you have for me?" But I know He owes me NOTHING - nothing. I owe Him everything - I still firmly believe that. Even after all we've been through and are still struggling through I know he is big enough and willing to provide for all my needs. If He was willing to provide for the greatest need in my life -redeeming me from sin. If we was willing to do the hardest thing - send his only Son. Then God is big enough and good enough to do what is best for me in all other situations.

I haven't been very vocal or maybe even honest with what we are going through with Jada. But now, after 7 months of testing, 7 months of endless therapy sessions, 7 months of pouring ourselves into Jada, we are feeling compelled to be a bit more open in case there are others like us out there - others struggling with where God has them. We are not any closer to knowing why our Jada is not able to speak. Her eyes are not our main issue anymore - her speech, her three year delay in development, her inability to remember, her lack of large motor skills, her inability to understand concepts such as big and small - those have come to the forefront and loom before us. We have a little girl that is so alert, active, and interested in life, but she can not tell you what she is feeling. We have a little girl that knows that the candle is blue for about 2 minutes and then when you ask her again, she will tell you it is green. She regresses often in potty training, she comes "unglued" when you introduce change - Jada is our gift, she truly is, but she is a little girl that is consuming our lives. We spend our hours driving to speech therapy - even started working with our second speech therapist this week. We will be starting play therapy in a couple of weeks. We have looked into physical therapy as well for her gross motor development but so far, we are waiting to see how we handle all of the appointments we currently have. We have seen over 7 doctors so far to help us diagnose her problems and try to help her move forward. We have filled out MOUNTAINS of paperwork to try to apply for waivers to help us cover all of the medical costs and get her further help from specialists. And after all of this, we still feel like we are floundering looking for the "key" to unlock our little one.

We had no idea this would be our calling - probably a good thing as I'm pretty sure I would have told God I was not up to the task had I known before what I know now. But He gives me things daily that encourage me and keep me going. We got a big one a few weeks ago - we had applied for insurance coverage for Jada's genetic testing - we were told by the doctor that ordered it that we would probably be denied and have to appeal - as our insurance company rarely accepts genetic testing. After just that one try - we were given the go-ahead. We couldn't believe it - that was amazing.

Yesterday God did it again - we got a call from an organization we applied to, to get a waiver for Jada. If we could get a waiver, it would help us pay for medical bills that are not covered by our insurance, pay for therapists/specialists, and even other specialty items that might benefit

Jada. We filled out PAGES of paperwork to apply and we were told up front - by two different people in the process - expect a wait of at least six weeks and then expect to be denied - after which, we should get ready for a lengthy appeal. We got a call yesterday from the office and were told that Jada was approved. The person I spoke with attempted to call early in the morning but I wasn't home. Later that afternoon when I called him back he explained that all through the day he kept coming back to Jada's file. He said he was compelled by her story and her needs and couldn't get her out of his mind. I am so thankful that God moved this man's heart to read and reread her papers. I can not even tell you how big of a mountain that was - and God just pushed it out of the way like it was nothing but a speck of dust. I love that - He shows me over and over that He knows this is hard for me and yet, He is right there with me. He is letting me struggle through this - but He isn't leaving me to struggle on my own - he is putting his arms around me and holding me close even when I feel like pushing away and pouting a bit.

Adoption is wonderful - I STILL love everything about adoption - and that is why I've been hesitant to post anything about our struggles. I don't want to scare people away - but there is a reality too - just as in our biological children - we do not know what God has planned for us or our children. So would I adopt again tomorrow?? You bet I would - I still believe it shows God's great love for us and for those He created. But it may take you on a ride that you never imagined and stretch you until you are not sure there is any stretch left.

I am reminded daily- remember the post I did before we ever got Jada? How when we chose the name Jada we didn't even know it was a Bible name? And how GOD chose her name Jada - which is Hebrew for "He knows." Indeed He does know - and He does care. So on my worst days when I am not sure I can go one step further on my own - I believe He is smiling down at me and saying, "That's right Becky, you can't go one more step on your own - I don't even want you to - because I want you to rely TOTALLY on me."

5 Years Ago Today

I know that some people do not like the term "Gotcha Day" but we love it!! It's simple and endearing and it's TODAY at our house!! Five years ago today in a hot room in the Civil Affairs office in Hunan, China we were given a little girl that we had no idea how much we would fall in love with.

Chosen for us from thousands of miles away, God picked Chloe to live with this family in Iowa. We are so blessed - she is a joy - a little girl that has come into our home and, for which, we will ALL never be the same. God's gift of adoption of us is amazing - even more so when we see it first hand though our family - we are so grateful for our Chloe Rebecca Liang...

Happy Easter

Happy Easter from all of us to all of you!!

Sisterly Love

Chloe taking care of Jada

Because One Can Never Be TOO Careful....

First Haircut

Well, in six months time, we have gone from almost shaved hair with Jada to it being almost all the way down to the collar of her shirt BUT it was all uneven and time for a bit of a "shapening up". So we went in and got her a whole new look. Our stylist thought we should go shorter in the back until everything else grows out too. So she has an adorable little cut - I didn't get a good picture of the back, but it is a sweet little bob that tapers up in the back - too fun! She loved every minute of it. Oh dear, we are going to have another Chloe that begs for daily haircuts!

Pleased as punch!!

We LOVE these at our House!!!

Dear Friends

I wish I could tell you the whole story of how far back we go with these friends. But that would take HOURS so suffice it to say - we were friends back in Grand Rapids - they saw all of our babies right shortly after they were born - we were there to see their boys right after they were born - we hung out together for fun - we went to the same church - even changed churches when we felt we needed to and ended up at the same church again. We moved to Iowa, they helped us move. They moved shortly after we did because they liked our quaint little city and because Tim found a good job while they were here helping us. We were there shortly after Dani was born, and we raced home from a vacation when we found out that Kari had been in a horrible car accident which took the short life of their precious Dani. I sang at Dani's funeral (I don't think you could call that singing - that was more like begging God to bring a song where there was none). They have loved on all of our kids and we think the world of their boys. But our girls especially think that Kari is WONDERFUL!! She is that special lady that is finding fun fabric for them and making them dresses and pajamas, and she spends time playing and talking with them. She has built a real bond with both Chloe and Jada. Kari and I even work together at our local library - why they allowed that we have no idea!! We've continued in a friendship that isn't a "have to" but a constant source of confident strength. When you need someone - you know they will be there - that's just the kind of friends they are. SO - a few years ago now, when they announced they were going to adopt from China - my heart leaped. I knew they would enjoy their little one as much as we had enjoyed our two girls and I could not wait for them to experience it. We've followed their ups and downs, we've struggled to fill out paperwork together, and thrilled together as they've gotten closer and cried together when the wait felt like it wasn't moving at all. We were honored when they called us the day they got little Lexi's file - we felt privileged to pray alongside them and watch God work. After they accepted her, we knew it would be soon that they would be traveling so we asked if we could help plan a tip night as friends had done for us. We were honored this past week to be a part of that. EVERYONE took part, Joe and I delivered pizzas to tables and kept the buffets clean and plates filled, the boys washed dishes and bussed tables, and the girls carried mints around to tables and gave coloring pages to kids. We asked a few friends to help us from our church and they were just as willing as we were. (We were all exhausted and think we never want to see a pizza again though!!!) That's what I love - to see people rally around for others. We all were so thrilled just to be a small part. And God truly blessed their night - people gave over and above to this sweet family. I went to bed thinking that God must be grinning at what his people did for this family!

Less than two days later, we find out they are SOON (as in TWO WEEKS!!!) on their way to China. I am telling you - I was awake much of that night after Kari called - I feel like it's us all over again - my excitement level is so high. I'm starting lists for her - what to take, what to remember - whether she likes it or not, I email her 20 times a day with little things I don't want to forget - I just LOVE it!!! I can't wait to see Alexis in their arms and meet her in person! Love to watch a new little one come home!

Thanking God for His Heartbeat

Silly Jada Faces

Jada's new thing- she takes her glasses off and comes up to us - gets REAL close to our faces and starts this blinking thing - to which we all laugh and so it has become a new game!!
She is too funny - her face is so expressive!

A Hero

Let me tell you about a hero that I have come to love and admire.

It all started almost a year ago now when one day, out of the blue, we first heard about her.  The day I read her file and thought, "God, this is not what I had envisioned - I do not know if I can do this.  I have never heard of this condition."  To which my strong husband said, "You don't know if you can say yes, BUT can you say NO?"

It continued almost six months later when we met her in a noisy, sweltering hot room.  She was handed to us at age three and a half with a bottle and an empty expression - I remember looking at her sweet face and thinking, "What have your last three and half years been like for you?  Where is the little girl that should be smiling out of that somber face?"

I will never forget the first laugh she gave us - it was hard work, but we got it - a laugh that made us laugh along with her and yet cry as well.  I remember thinking, "Oh little one, it shouldn't be that hard to laugh."

I will remember the way she walked with such a heavy gait - the unsteadiness - the unsureness of her steps.  I remember thinking - we have to work on this - so we started having races down the hallways of those scorching hot China hotels - all in hopes of seeing some new coordination appear in her steps.

All the silent tears she cried when we laid her down each night - she never made a peep - but her silent tears said it all - no child should have to have silent tears - I vowed inside to do all I could in my power to end those tears - to never give her a reason to have to suffer silently again.

I remember the times I would ruffle her hair or touch the skin on her arm and she would pull away from me - and yet, I'd touch her again and again - squeeze her tighter - or tell her, "No honey, Momma wants to touch you, Momma loves you."

I remember her smiles - she smiled at EVERYTHING - she was just happy to play, go out and walk - it didn't matter - she was just happy.

I remember watching children take toys away from her and she had no fight in her - she just let it happen and then would watch the child play with that toy that used to be hers.  I kept thinking, "Where is your fight?  Get mad, scream, do something."

I remember the HOURS she played on the airplane with two styrofoam cups and a set of chopsticks - I am not kidding - HOURS.  Which made me ask, "How can a three year old occupy herself for so long with such mundane objects?"  That was not the first we'd see of that - nor the last - this little girl could make anything a toy - including menus that would become babies, 2 liter bottles that would be rocked to sleep - ANYTHING - she knew how to occupy herself.

I will never forget her face as she saw the crowd at the airport waiting to welcome her home.  The sister that would not hardly give her breathing room and wanted to help her walk around the airport, the staring faces that all just wanted to say Hi.  And then her face - just soberly staring at all of her brothers and sister in the van as we drove home - it was almost as if she was saying, "Where did all of these kids come from and when will they be leaving??"

But she adjusted - in no time, she had 3 big brothers wrapped around her fingers and a sister that doted on her every minute.  Still she would not talk to us - we got simple words like "momma, da da, eat" etc. but nothing more.

I remember the nights of putting her to bed and her screaming and screaming.  I remember thinking, "The screaming is horrendous, but at least she is making sounds - there are no silent tears - for that I am glad."

I can only imagine her feelings as she is taken from doctor to doctor, from therapist to therapist, from clinic to clinic.  All we hoped to do is find out where her sweet words were and how to unleash them.  We wanted to make sure all was ok in her small body - and for that I am grateful to SO many doctors.

I can hardly imagine what went through her mind when she started 4 weeks of dental work - 19 teeth that needed to be fixed - but she sat in that chair with very little "deadener" because she broke out so badly from the first dose - and she never made a peep.  Her tongue may have tried to shove the dentist out of the way, but her body laid there and did not fight.

It has been that way with every doctor we've seen.  She has not fought - in fact, each time we are told, she does better than some adults.  She was taught to lay still and that is obvious - she does that "with the best of them."

She has come a long way in five months - she is saying a few more words, she is GALLOPING now, trying hard to master jumping around the house, and smiling confidently when she says, "Mine."  (Thanks to our speech therapist!!)  She knows how to make choices (thanks also to our fabulous speech therapist) and she smiles when she gets to make a choice.  How does a child make it to age 3 and not know she has a choice, does not know that anything is "hers"?  I may never know those answers....

All of this came rushing into my mind today as we sat in, yet another doctor's office, filling out the pages of paperwork.  It hits me every time I have to write "UNKNOWN" in so many spots on her sheets.  I hate it - I hate it that I know almost nothing of her first three and a half years.  I hate it that I have no idea why her little words are "stopped up" inside of her.  I hate it that I can't find that trigger to unleash those words.  I hate it that I can't erase a past filled with fear and pain.  I hate it that when I go to play with her and raise my hand, she sometimes flinches.  I hate it that sometimes when I am trying to make some headway, I can see the curtain cover her face - I know she has retreated again.

I will not give up.  This little girl is my hero.  I may never know what all her past has held, but for me I am trying to let that go.  She is here now - we are so blessed to have her.  She is our little lover - she wants to hug us and plants kisses all over everything  - she is just so happy.  She won't let us leave without a "bye" and a kiss on the lips - and it isn't a peck on the lips either - it is a two-handed grab of your cheeks to pull you down to her level so she can plant a kiss on your lips that stays with you long after you've left home.  She's the first one to run to the door when you come home - she has to greet you with her soft "Hi" (that is sometimes not-so-soft but that's ok too - because it's a word and we love that!).  She goes to bed every night now without a peep - she is happy to sleep on the bunk under her big sister - BUT ONLY if you sing "Good night Jada" before you turn off the light.  She loves that song that I made up for her in China, and even sometimes during the day, will find you and ask you to sing "Night Night" as she smiles.  She attacks life with gusto - our little wonder that has MAYBE 20/100 vision, we are told, with her glasses on.  Nothing stops her - she is a survivor and she loves life.  And we love her - we love our Jada Faith.  We are so blessed - she teaches each of us lessons everyday -

I have learned something very valuable - you don't have to talk to communicate - I usually know exactly what she is trying to tell me.  She is bright - she can communicate clearly without words.  She has picked up a lot of sign in a few months' time.  We are not scared of what the future holds - we have heard terms like autistic, mentally retarded, severely delayed, nearly blind - they've all been thrown out there along with others.  But labels don't frighten us - God gave us Jada - she is not a mistake.  God planned her JUST LIKE SHE IS - and I don't waver on that.  Do I wonder what the next years hold?  You bet I do, any parent does  - but I am trusting - God can work miracles and He can give grace in unreasonable amounts - we've already felt that - we rely on it daily!

As a doctor gently reminded us today - we have a long road ahead of us - a VERY LONG ROAD - but she is a charmer and she will go far!  Jada, thank you for teaching me so much in five short months - you are a gift to us all.

Great Words

I  am so challenged by a book I read for part of my devotions - Jesus Calling by Sarah Young just says it like it is....  Here is today's - it hit me where I am and wanted to share it.

"Come to Me with all your weaknesses:  physical, emotional, and spiritual.  Rest in the comfort of My Presence, remembering that nothing is impossible for Me.

Pry your mind away from your problems so that you can focus your attention on Me.  Recall that I am able to do far beyond all that you ask or imagine.  Instead of trying to direct Me to do this and that, seek to attune yourself to what I am already doing.

When anxiety attempts to wedge its way into your thoughts, remind yourself that I am your Shepherd.  The bottom line is that I am taking care of you; therefore, you needn't be afraid of anything.  Rather than trying to maintain control over your life, abandon yourself to My will.  Though this may feel scary and dangerous, the safest place to be is in My will."

Eph. 3:20-21, "Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever."

Cookie Nightmare (I mean fun!!!)

I do not know why we torture ourselves this way - oh yes, I do - the girls LOVE it!!

Enough with the directions, Dad - let's get to work!!

She was eating flour - oh dear, we need to work on that!

Jada's masterpiece - she goes light on the toppings!

Chloe's - she used the whole bottle of sugar on one cookie!  (Ok, not quite, but close!)

If You Give Becky a Hair Dryer....

If you give Becky a hairdryer, she will start to dry her hair and then realize she needs her cup of coffee. (One CAN NOT dry one's hair without coffee!) Once she gets her cup of coffee, she sees that the coffee filters are almost gone so she needs to add that to the grocery list. Seeing the grocery list posted on the fridge reminds her that she has not cleaned off all of the notes on the fridge lately NOR has she worked on cleaning off the top of the fridge. So, she begins the task of organizing and pitching notes on the fridge and washing the top off. Once she wipes the top of the fridge off, she takes the washcloth down to the basement to wash and see LOADS of laundry that need to be switched, washed, folded, etc. and begins to make her way through those. Seeing the laundry reminds her that she hasn't gone through the girls clothes in awhile to see what fits so she proceeds to sort through drawers and closets to clean out clothes to take to the consignment shop. Sorting through clothes reminds Becky that the girls never got their hair brushed this morning, so she takes the girls into the bathroom to style their hair and sees the VERY smudgey glasses that are surely not helping her girls see!! As she is washing glasses for two girls, she sees her hairdryer and remembers that she was going to dry her hair. 3 hours later she thinks is it finally time to dry her hair and then she remembers she REALLY needs coffee to dry her hair. SEE WHY I DON'T GET MY HAIR DRIED UNTIL NOON!?!?!?!?
(If this resembles If You Give a Mouse a Cookie at all - it is purely coincidental.)