I know it has been awhile since I have posted my heart's feelings on my blog but today I am feeling compelled to confess where I have been over the last 6 months. As I sat in church this past Sunday and wept away - I was struck again by how sometimes we obey just because we know we need to. I did not have any desire to sing some of those worship songs - I mean really, "Take My Life" - my initial thoughts were "I did that God, I gave my life to you, I followed what you called me to and now I have more work than ever - Jada is more work than I ever dreamed possible and she is one of 5 kids." But I opened my lips and I sang - I sang those words because I believe them. I follow God because I believe Him. I don't follow Him because of what I will get out of it. It is tempting - it is tempting to think, "I've followed you faithfully for over 30 years, and this is what you have for me?" But I know He owes me NOTHING - nothing. I owe Him everything - I still firmly believe that. Even after all we've been through and are still struggling through I know he is big enough and willing to provide for all my needs. If He was willing to provide for the greatest need in my life -redeeming me from sin. If we was willing to do the hardest thing - send his only Son. Then God is big enough and good enough to do what is best for me in all other situations.
I haven't been very vocal or maybe even honest with what we are going through with Jada. But now, after 7 months of testing, 7 months of endless therapy sessions, 7 months of pouring ourselves into Jada, we are feeling compelled to be a bit more open in case there are others like us out there - others struggling with where God has them. We are not any closer to knowing why our Jada is not able to speak. Her eyes are not our main issue anymore - her speech, her three year delay in development, her inability to remember, her lack of large motor skills, her inability to understand concepts such as big and small - those have come to the forefront and loom before us. We have a little girl that is so alert, active, and interested in life, but she can not tell you what she is feeling. We have a little girl that knows that the candle is blue for about 2 minutes and then when you ask her again, she will tell you it is green. She regresses often in potty training, she comes "unglued" when you introduce change - Jada is our gift, she truly is, but she is a little girl that is consuming our lives. We spend our hours driving to speech therapy - even started working with our second speech therapist this week. We will be starting play therapy in a couple of weeks. We have looked into physical therapy as well for her gross motor development but so far, we are waiting to see how we handle all of the appointments we currently have. We have seen over 7 doctors so far to help us diagnose her problems and try to help her move forward. We have filled out MOUNTAINS of paperwork to try to apply for waivers to help us cover all of the medical costs and get her further help from specialists. And after all of this, we still feel like we are floundering looking for the "key" to unlock our little one.
We had no idea this would be our calling - probably a good thing as I'm pretty sure I would have told God I was not up to the task had I known before what I know now. But He gives me things daily that encourage me and keep me going. We got a big one a few weeks ago - we had applied for insurance coverage for Jada's genetic testing - we were told by the doctor that ordered it that we would probably be denied and have to appeal - as our insurance company rarely accepts genetic testing. After just that one try - we were given the go-ahead. We couldn't believe it - that was amazing.
Yesterday God did it again - we got a call from an organization we applied to, to get a waiver for Jada. If we could get a waiver, it would help us pay for medical bills that are not covered by our insurance, pay for therapists/specialists, and even other specialty items that might benefit
Jada. We filled out PAGES of paperwork to apply and we were told up front - by two different people in the process - expect a wait of at least six weeks and then expect to be denied - after which, we should get ready for a lengthy appeal. We got a call yesterday from the office and were told that Jada was approved. The person I spoke with attempted to call early in the morning but I wasn't home. Later that afternoon when I called him back he explained that all through the day he kept coming back to Jada's file. He said he was compelled by her story and her needs and couldn't get her out of his mind. I am so thankful that God moved this man's heart to read and reread her papers. I can not even tell you how big of a mountain that was - and God just pushed it out of the way like it was nothing but a speck of dust. I love that - He shows me over and over that He knows this is hard for me and yet, He is right there with me. He is letting me struggle through this - but He isn't leaving me to struggle on my own - he is putting his arms around me and holding me close even when I feel like pushing away and pouting a bit.
Adoption is wonderful - I STILL love everything about adoption - and that is why I've been hesitant to post anything about our struggles. I don't want to scare people away - but there is a reality too - just as in our biological children - we do not know what God has planned for us or our children. So would I adopt again tomorrow?? You bet I would - I still believe it shows God's great love for us and for those He created. But it may take you on a ride that you never imagined and stretch you until you are not sure there is any stretch left.
I am reminded daily- remember the post I did before we ever got Jada? How when we chose the name Jada we didn't even know it was a Bible name? And how GOD chose her name Jada - which is Hebrew for "He knows." Indeed He does know - and He does care. So on my worst days when I am not sure I can go one step further on my own - I believe He is smiling down at me and saying, "That's right Becky, you can't go one more step on your own - I don't even want you to - because I want you to rely TOTALLY on me."