Thursday, April 15, 2010

Stretching

I know it has been awhile since I have posted my heart's feelings on my blog but today I am feeling compelled to confess where I have been over the last 6 months. As I sat in church this past Sunday and wept away - I was struck again by how sometimes we obey just because we know we need to. I did not have any desire to sing some of those worship songs - I mean really, "Take My Life" - my initial thoughts were "I did that God, I gave my life to you, I followed what you called me to and now I have more work than ever - Jada is more work than I ever dreamed possible and she is one of 5 kids." But I opened my lips and I sang - I sang those words because I believe them. I follow God because I believe Him. I don't follow Him because of what I will get out of it. It is tempting - it is tempting to think, "I've followed you faithfully for over 30 years, and this is what you have for me?" But I know He owes me NOTHING - nothing. I owe Him everything - I still firmly believe that. Even after all we've been through and are still struggling through I know he is big enough and willing to provide for all my needs. If He was willing to provide for the greatest need in my life -redeeming me from sin. If we was willing to do the hardest thing - send his only Son. Then God is big enough and good enough to do what is best for me in all other situations.

I haven't been very vocal or maybe even honest with what we are going through with Jada. But now, after 7 months of testing, 7 months of endless therapy sessions, 7 months of pouring ourselves into Jada, we are feeling compelled to be a bit more open in case there are others like us out there - others struggling with where God has them. We are not any closer to knowing why our Jada is not able to speak. Her eyes are not our main issue anymore - her speech, her three year delay in development, her inability to remember, her lack of large motor skills, her inability to understand concepts such as big and small - those have come to the forefront and loom before us. We have a little girl that is so alert, active, and interested in life, but she can not tell you what she is feeling. We have a little girl that knows that the candle is blue for about 2 minutes and then when you ask her again, she will tell you it is green. She regresses often in potty training, she comes "unglued" when you introduce change - Jada is our gift, she truly is, but she is a little girl that is consuming our lives. We spend our hours driving to speech therapy - even started working with our second speech therapist this week. We will be starting play therapy in a couple of weeks. We have looked into physical therapy as well for her gross motor development but so far, we are waiting to see how we handle all of the appointments we currently have. We have seen over 7 doctors so far to help us diagnose her problems and try to help her move forward. We have filled out MOUNTAINS of paperwork to try to apply for waivers to help us cover all of the medical costs and get her further help from specialists. And after all of this, we still feel like we are floundering looking for the "key" to unlock our little one.

We had no idea this would be our calling - probably a good thing as I'm pretty sure I would have told God I was not up to the task had I known before what I know now. But He gives me things daily that encourage me and keep me going. We got a big one a few weeks ago - we had applied for insurance coverage for Jada's genetic testing - we were told by the doctor that ordered it that we would probably be denied and have to appeal - as our insurance company rarely accepts genetic testing. After just that one try - we were given the go-ahead. We couldn't believe it - that was amazing.

Yesterday God did it again - we got a call from an organization we applied to, to get a waiver for Jada. If we could get a waiver, it would help us pay for medical bills that are not covered by our insurance, pay for therapists/specialists, and even other specialty items that might benefit
Jada. We filled out PAGES of paperwork to apply and we were told up front - by two different people in the process - expect a wait of at least six weeks and then expect to be denied - after which, we should get ready for a lengthy appeal. We got a call yesterday from the office and were told that Jada was approved. The person I spoke with attempted to call early in the morning but I wasn't home. Later that afternoon when I called him back he explained that all through the day he kept coming back to Jada's file. He said he was compelled by her story and her needs and couldn't get her out of his mind. I am so thankful that God moved this man's heart to read and reread her papers. I can not even tell you how big of a mountain that was - and God just pushed it out of the way like it was nothing but a speck of dust. I love that - He shows me over and over that He knows this is hard for me and yet, He is right there with me. He is letting me struggle through this - but He isn't leaving me to struggle on my own - he is putting his arms around me and holding me close even when I feel like pushing away and pouting a bit.

Adoption is wonderful - I STILL love everything about adoption - and that is why I've been hesitant to post anything about our struggles. I don't want to scare people away - but there is a reality too - just as in our biological children - we do not know what God has planned for us or our children. So would I adopt again tomorrow?? You bet I would - I still believe it shows God's great love for us and for those He created. But it may take you on a ride that you never imagined and stretch you until you are not sure there is any stretch left.

Jada at the Park!

I am reminded daily- remember the post I did before we ever got Jada? How when we chose the name Jada we didn't even know it was a Bible name? And how GOD chose her name Jada - which is Hebrew for "He knows." Indeed He does know - and He does care. So on my worst days when I am not sure I can go one step further on my own - I believe He is smiling down at me and saying, "That's right Becky, you can't go one more step on your own - I don't even want you to - because I want you to rely TOTALLY on me."

17 comments:

Nancy Palmer said...

Yes, God knows our children! He knew YOU would be Jada's momma. He hand-picked her for YOU and your family. We rejoice in our children's abilities, whatever they are, and give the rest to Him. Having Kara Faith gave me a new appreciation for what my some of my children are capable of and a new insight and love for those who are less than "perfect."

Jada is beautiful!

Nancy

Katie Taylor said...

Thank you for sharing, Becky. Your testimony and your heart are truly an encouragement.

Mr.Brian said...

vapors.
God has a plan.Lets also pray for the doctors and others who will be researching all of this.

Beckyb said...

You are so right, Mr. Brian - those doctors and therapists need A LOT of wisdom - I will add that to my ever-growing list!!! Great reminder!

Kathleen said...

Thank you for this beautiful post. If I can do anything to help, let me know.

AK said...

I'm soaking up all that I can on adoption these days!
The good, the challenging, everything. I would SO much rather read an honest blog post about the hard parts than just read fake reassurance that everything is perfect...
Thank you!

Kim K. said...

What a beautiful beautiful post, Becky. Honesty is really important. I couldn't have done our first year with all of Josie's surgeries and struggles without the support of others and God. I read "Leo the Late Bloomer" to Josie this evening. Perhaps, Jada is Leo. Her bloom is coming. Hugs!

Anonymous said...

I've been praying for you and will continue to pray for you and your family. May God continue to bless you.

Maribeth said...

Becky, we need the body of Christ to be HONEST. Thank you for being just that. We can help carry your burden in prayer. We learned the hard way that some gifts don't come wrapped all pretty and perfect. Our Joey came wrapped in razor blades, but he was still a gift. Yes, the Lord knows, and He is carrying you. We will be praying. Love to you from Missouri.

hollym. said...

Thank you, Becky, for you honesty. I know how hard it is to tell your most inner thoughts and feelings. I have prayed for your family and I believe that God has given me many thoughts of you and your family in regards to struggles that you were going thru. He is holding you, Becky and won't let go. Hold on to the blessings that are being revealed thru these insurance miracles. I'm stepping up my prayers for strength for you all. Hold on, Becky.

love,hollym.:)

ShaggaBear said...

I think the recent news tells us all that adoption is HARD. It is not for the faint of heart. BUT GOD is faithful. and He will give you what you need for the moment. You are a good Mama! Be encouraged. Jada is already a better person for having experienced the love of your family.
-linda

Brandi said...

Thank you for this most honest & though-provoking post. I really needed to read this tonight, as I struggle with some of the same issues with my DD (who also, at the age of 2 1/2 has a vocabulary of ZERO words, gross motor & various other delays).

You're right, we don't know what God has planned for us or our children, but we MUST trust in Him and know that he has a plan and that he will not leave us for one single second to deal with this on our own.

Hang in there. I'll say a prayer for you & miss Jada.

Sue said...

THank you Becky for posting this. You are an amazing blessing when you share so honestly. We are certain that God is doing amazing things. How could we know that unless someone is willing to be so honest...

Janelle said...

Becky, I cried as I read this post, because you've summed up so eloquently how I've felt over the last year about the struggles we've had with our Elli. I often have a hard time putting it into words, and here you did it for me! I, too, have sat in church with songs I didn't think I could sing, and struggled with many of those same thoughts. Elli was not adopted, but as you said, our biological children sometimes come specially wrapped, as well! I am thankful that you are seeing God's hand in the midst of the difficulties - we are seeing that, too, and it makes such a difference to know that we don't walk this road alone! I will pray for your family and especially for the doctors and for Jada - that the mysteries will be unlocked for all of you!

Janelle

Carey said...

Tears in my eyes as I read this. Tears for the struggles, and tears for the love of a mommy. My prayers go out to you, that soon you will find the key!! And even more help will be swift and sure.

ManyBlessings said...

Thank-you for letting us know exactly how and what to pray for you. Becky, it's good for those of us who have struggled on this walk to be open, so that others never feel alone. Thank-you for opening your heart!
dawnz

Tressa said...

Your family will continue to be in our prayers. I will let you know if any of our upcoming appointments are especially helpful. Take good care.

When you are harvesting your crops and forget to bring in a bundle of grain from your field, don't go back to get it. Leave it for the foreigners, orphans and widows. Then the LORD your God will bless you in all you do.
~Deuteronomy 24:19

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