First Day of Preschool

It arrived - the first day of preschool - and since this is my first EVER to go to school - it about killed me!! (I'll admit it, the night before I was still wondering if this was the smartest idea in the world!!!) I took her to school and bent down on her level and said, "Jada, Mommy will be back after school is done, ok?" To which she looked at me and said, "Momma Cry?" I said, "Oh no, Momma's not going to cry!" (I was only convincing myself you know!!)

I took her inside the school, showed her her locker, and her teacher. And she spied kids playing on the other side of the room and off she went. She didn't look back - I THINK that's the way we want it, right!?!?!?

Even Chloe didn't want me to take her without her coming with us!! Chloe privately asked me, "Mom, who will talk for her when no one understands??" I didn't admit that I wondered the same thing. Chloe has the uncanny ability to always know what Jada is saying or needing - she is so sweet to Jada.

But I am thrilled she had a good day. I want her to love school and I pray that this year gives her just what she needs - whether it be speech or confidence - whatever it is God knows that she needs.

We are blessed with a wonderful teacher that knows a lot about Jada and is one of her many cheerleaders. God is so good that way - He just continues to bless us with people to love on our little ones.

So when I asked Jada what she did at school she told me, "Draw, Snack, Slide." Sounds like the perfect preschool day to me too!!

Oh, gotta run - the boys just said that it is time for the traditional "after school hugs" and I don't want to miss out on this!!!

The Whole Family at the Park

Yes, sometimes we ALL go to the same place! And that is when it gets a little loud, and a little chaotic, but a WHOLE LOT of fun!!!

Love that "static hair"!!

Even big brothers need pushes.

The Lookout Man!

One Year Ago....

Exactly one year ago we were in agony - literal agony! We knew we needed to travel SOON to go and get Jada or everything in our adoption file would need to be renewed - we were looking at thousands of dollars to renew all of that but if God would move mountains, that would all be forgotten and we could go and get Jada. He did it - we had only a few days notice, but He put it all in place and with just a few days to pack and get everyone in order, we were off.

I have been thinking on that a lot lately - this time last year I was wondering what God was going to do. I was worried about a little girl that had so many "unknowns" to her. I was fearful to leave our four children and travel all the way around the world YET AGAIN to add to our already-busy family. I remember it well - all of the unknowns and fears. And yet, I'd do it again tomorrow if God called me. Has it been easy? Wow - if you read my blog at all, you'll know we've had HUGE hurdles - beginning with my lovely blood clot that formed while in China!! But God has worked in it all - and I pray it's only to bring glory to Him.

What I think on most though is the little girl that I easily could have never gotten to know. The day we got to meet Jada for the first time I remember saying to Joe, "There is nothing in there - she's an empty shell." She didn't talk, she didn't look at us - it was scary. I prayed and asked God for ANYTHING - any sign to tell us to take her home - little did I know that Joe was praying the same thing - and we both felt He showed us nothing. We felt alone - scared - worried - I can hardly put it into words. We felt we had clearly followed His path and yet at the end was a little girl that was so empty that she was almost frightening to us. (This coming from someone that has seen ALL kinds of kids - I have worked with kids for over 20 years - but I had never seen anything like this.) I remember the day we took her back to the government office to sign the papers and we had another family there from the U.S. that was giving their little girl back and saying they could not take her. They were beside themselves - it literally hurt them to say no, but her needs were so far beyond what they could care for that they felt they had to give her back - they could not take her home. My heart broke for them - what horrible pain - and yet, a part of me totally understood - I, too, was given a little girl that seemed FAR WORSE than what I had envisioned. I remember that part of me that thought - it would just be easier right now to say No, and head back home - empty-handed and sad, and yet with far less to worry about.

BUT I am SO glad God intervened - He gave us no reason to NOT take her home - that is what we kept coming back to. We had been called, this little one needed a home, and we could do that. I kept looking for a glimmer in her eye - anything to show that she was "there" - that she was ok. Now, almost a year later, we have seen it. We have seen her "glimmer", there is a little girl in there that only needed to be let out to live. A little girl that makes funny jokes even with very limited speech. A little girl that amazes us with her zest for life after all she has been through. A little girl that is far more resilient than her own mom could ever be! She has taught me so much - about myself, about life, and about God. I am glad God never gives up on me - just like we have never given up on her. I am glad He brought us on this journey to watch our little blossom unfold and bloom. All I can say is "Thank you God, for what you've called us to. Amazing."

Never Underestimate....

I don't think there is even an appropriate intro for this video. Just watch and absorb.

My Better Half

I spend a lot of time at our local hospital - Jada is seen there at least 3 times a week - and that makes for a lot of "waiting time" for mom. Today I saw a dear couple come in - they were also waiting for therapy - it was for the wife. I would say they were in their 80's and I am guessing the wife had had a stroke. Her husband just kept singing her praises - how far she had come, and was even reminiscing with one of the therapists back to when they started therapy - how she couldn't do much at all then. But what got me was after the therapist left, he was talking to her, and she was so confused - she didn't recognize her therapist's name even - and yet he felt she had really come so far. He was so patient with her, so loving and kept encouraging her. I am sure she is a lot of work for him - I see them often in passing when I am there for therapy visits, so I know he stays busy running her for visits. I am sure he didn't plan on this happening to them, and I'm sure he doesn't love it. It isn't how he had hoped to spend those "glory years" with his love. But it made me think - I need to go home tonight and MAKE SURE I tell my husband how much I appreciate him. We just never know what tomorrow holds.

I felt guilty after seeing them - I spend WAY TOO much time focused on the daily frustrations and not as much time on the big picture. It just made me want to encourage others to do the same - we have friends that are choosing divorce over trying to work it out. That is hard - it is hard to see them go through it, it is hard to watch their kids see Mom and Dad split apart - it's hard on so many levels. We have to focus on the positives - are there going to be rough spots - oh man, probably a ton!! Don't ask my kids - they will tell you that Dad and Mom argue often. I was humiliated the day Chloe asked for prayer in Sunday School because Mom and Dad were mad at each other. But what a great eye-opener that was for me. Things were hard at home, we were struggling, but we CAN work through that - we have to make it work.

My parents joke that they were worried that Joe and I may not even get married the night before our wedding day - we are both very strong willed - both first borns - ugh, we have many strikes against us habitating peacefully!! But I wouldn't trade my husband - I am truly blessed. And I am choosing to focus on that - even when I want to feel sorry for myself for having to live with a man with such HORRIBLE habits! (Said in jest!!) Take time to focus on those positive traits - I had a very wise female friend that told me, "Becky, get the notebook out - remember and tell yourself WHY you love this man God gave you." She was absolutely right - I did not marry a perfect man (good thing or he'd be done with me for sure!!!) but I married an amazing one!!

He puts up with my lack of cooking skills - let's face it - that is huge. He comes home from work and often cooks dinner for us - now that might be so that he can eat something that is edible, but hey, he does it. He send me an email every Friday with a menu plan and fun ideas for the weekend. Do you know what that shows? (Well, it could show that he just plain hopes to eat that weekend!!) It shows that he is thinking about us and cares for us. He takes time to plan for us - so that his family knows they are thought of and cared for.

This same man has a spreadsheet - he has kept it for years now, and lists on it ideas for birthdays/Christmas for each child and myself - and not only that, he lists what we ended up purchasing so we have something to compare to for next year. That is a gift- a Dad that cares and takes the time to make his family a priority. He knows my love language - VERA BRADLEY - just kidding, I'll take computer/tech items as well!! :) While I say that in jest - I am really not kidding - he takes the time to KNOW me, he knows that when Mother's Day rolls around - if he brings me a Vera Gift Bag, that will make my day!! The last time he brought one home, he said, "I know you didn't have a summer pattern so I found one for you." WOW - that means a lot! I'm not all that savvy when it comes to fashion, but he took the time to even scope out "summer styles" - how kind is that!?!? Or the camera lens he bought for a holiday - that spoke volumes to me - he knows I enjoy that and would savor that gift. And although the gifts are fun - it's FAR more than that - it's the time and thought behind them that means the most to me.

I could go on and on - he wouldn't like it - but I could. Joe is a gift - I need to realize that more often. After watching this dear couple today, it reminded me that really our time together is SO short - I am grateful for the gift God has given me in my husband. If you needed to hear this reminder today - it's ok, I've been there many days!! But take some time and focus on those positives - they ARE there and you only have to choose to find them.

It's That Time Again!!!

Sweet Corn Time!!

Even Jada is getting on board - and that is hard when 1) You don't want to touch the corn cob when you eat it and 2) You have to pick out the kernels from your teeth after each bite! But it must be good if you refuse to eat the BLT but will eat 3 ears of corn instead!!

Crunch!!

Sensory House

One of the MANY things we are learning on this long road with Jada is that what at first may have looked like Autism, may not necessarily be that - now it still could be, we haven't ruled anything out - but she seems to have many symptoms of Sensory Processing Disorder. If you are anything like Joe and I, you hear that and go WHAT!?!? Yep, didn't take me long to find books, websites, and more. We are learning TONS and totally revamping how we work with Jada. If our findings are correct - we need to "talk" to her brain differently. We need to speak to her senses the way they need to be spoken to. When she says "Ow" even when brushing her hair - I am learning that it does really hurt her - that is how her brain processes it - as pain. She says "Ow" when you clip her fingernails. And even winces when you rip paper out of a notebook - her brain says all of those normal, everyday things cause her pain. So we try to work through this - with therapies of all sorts. We have started Auditory Therapy through our Physical Therapist. She listens to carefully-orchestrated music twice a day- there is a set time limit and set CD's - even special headphones - all to hope that her auditory sense can be re-trained or conditioned to different sounds. Along with all of that, we do brushing - yep, all new to us too - but we take plastic soft brushes and literally "scrub" her arms and legs 3-4 times daily. What is amazing is that she LOVES it - when she is most upset, she even brings us the brushes. She knows they help her calm and they are what her sensory system needs.

We have invested in many things that touch her "vestibular" sense - balance - this one is HUGE for her - she is not good with balance - even walking was hard for her when we first got her. So we got a sit n spin; round-bottomed chairs that she sits in and plays, rolls around, etc.(called Bilibo); our friends gave us a slide AND a merry go round - which she LOVES; another friend gave us an exercise trampoline; we found those big bouncy balls with handles that she jumps around on for HOURS; and just recently we purchased a hammock swing.

What I love is that all of things could sure add up dollar-wise, but I just love to grab bargains wherever I can! This Swing is providing HOURS of fun and it was such a deal!! We were going to hang it outside, but I loved Joe's idea of hanging it in the basement so she can use it all year long. (And no, she isn't the only one using it - the boys think they need vestibular therapy as well!!) Even the swing, I was thinking a hammock swing would be so expensive, but at a class I was taking, the instructor mentioned it to me as an aside (she has a nephew who is autistic and she bought one for him). She told me where to find it cheap - I just love that - all the cool ways we hear about things or hear of yet another idea that may help Jada right now. We don't live in a big home - but we are finding creative ways to store them and watch her use them daily. I put this out there hoping these things we are using/finding for Jada may help someone else OR that someone may feel like sharing more ideas. I am getting more and more nervous as we approach preschool - we work on things like colors and numbers daily, but still no retention. We aren't giving up, but we can see that it may be a very long road. I am grateful for the immense support out there - God just keeps providing - sometimes we feel like we are floundering in the dark to do what is best for Jada, but He is good to keep the night light on - He gives us just the light we need to take the next step!

Future Architect

Chloe is building away and stops to put on these lovely glasses. Then she turns to me and says, "In case you are wondering Mom, these help my creative side." I DID NOT MAKE THAT UP!! She just cracks me up!

In case you are wondering what she is building with - we LOVE these!! Honestly, almost every birthday we get another set - we build for hours with these!!

Happy 4th!

Since we got pictures of Chloe's first 4th of July - we thought Jada needed a turn too.

So here she is - Proud to be an American!!

Big Sister got in on the action too!!

Sisters on the 4th...

THE STORM

Two nights this past week we have had sirens - possible tornadoes - which resulted in the flood of the century to which many of us spent hours shop vac-cing our basements. Last night, no sirens, but it sounded horrible outside - quarter size hail, high winds, you get the picture. Well, maybe you don't until you see these:

Our Backyard - part of it anyway....

Notice the neighbor's tree across the street - you can almost see the path the wind was on!

Joe's poor corn - and he had just said the day before how great it was looking....

Neighbor's tree that fell into our flower bed, bushes, and trees. This was a very tall tree - it was a ton of work to get out of there!

Close up of neighbor's tree.

Neighbor's Mailbox -

Trampoline down the road a block.
All in all - what a mess our city is at the moment - an impressive storm, to say the least.

The Journal

This is Chloe's latest thing - she journals EVERYTHING - I mean everything!! If you happen to cross her path on any given day, you may be part of "the journal". It just makes me smile - she takes her journaling seriously - I love that about her.

Ferris Wheel

During our Tulip Festival - the local paper (Sioux County Democrat) captured this photo and had it in the paper. This is Chloe, and her best friend (as she tells me daily) Caeleigh, along with Caeleigh's Dad, our pastor. I played with the color a bit and ended up with this. Chloe's first Ferris Wheel ride and she LOVED it!!

Birthday Girl

There is a special little girl that brings "summer" to our home every June 21 - our little Chloe turns 6 today. This is a day that brings so many feelings to me - overall I am overwhelmingly grateful for a God that put this all together - how He orchestrated bringing just the right precious girl from China to fit in our home all the way around the world. But I am also grateful for the birthmother that chose to give life - she took the hard road culturally - and for that I am also grateful. The feelings this day always evokes for me are hard to put into words - but our Chloe is a blessing beyond words - she is a gift.

I love being a mom to this little one - she brightens my day constantly through her words and actions. She makes us laugh and reminds us that it is ok to cry;

her quick humor never ceases to amaze us; and her love and patience for her sister is a precious gift that the two of them can share.

Happy Birthday Chloe - we are so glad to call you our daughter!!

Hope is Fading

This is a student project that Allan Rosenow made - as a member of a family with 13 special needs adoptions - this child really knows the meaning of adoption - I was touched by this. Pray you will be too.....

Hope is Fading from Allan Rosenow on Vimeo.

Being a Mom

I am feeling VERY inadequate. There is nothing easy about being a mom - nothing easy about being a mom to five kids - and nothing easy when you throw in one child that needs a lot of extra time and attention. We had no idea that when we brought little Jada home that our world would literally turn upside-down. My time is consumed by Jada and her appointments right now. In a good week, we can have 5-6 different appointments just for Jada and that doesn't include running our boys back and forth to band, running the girls to their weekly Kindermusik, our jobs, church commitments, etc. I have to say that sometimes I literally run from one thing to the next and leave at 9 in the morning and do not get home until 3 or 4 in the afternoon - for this mom that has thrived on tranquility, orderliness, and a routine - this is pushing me to the limit!!! But what I love is how God provides. (I am not trying to complain - I realize TONS of Moms do this regularly, but so far, God has not made this our lifestyle and I have been grateful for that- so when He turned our world and our running began, it took me a bit of "getting used to!")

Today was one of those days - 9:00 speech appt, 11:00 therapist (a half hour away), and 2:00 dentist - all for Jada today - I was, once again, feeling bad that my other kids don't get Mom most of the day. So when I ran home between two appts. and found my boys sitting in the living room playing Pick Up Sticks with Chloe I was nearly brought to tears. I don't know too many 13, 14, and 15 year old boys that would play games with their 5 year old sister. When I praised them and told them how much it meant to me, one of the boys said, "Well Mom, we noticed how you were very busy and we were afraid Chloe might feel kind of left out. So we asked her what games she would like to play to help cheer up her day." I tell you what - I was left speechless. I share it to say that, once again, God fills in the gaps. He leaves me speechless sometimes - where I am weak, He is strong.

One Million Arrows

When I was sent One Million Arrows to read for a blog tour, I approached it like almost any other read. Boy was I wrong! I got into it just one chapter and stopped - this was one my husband and I HAD to savor together! We read it out loud together crying and saying "Amen" the whole way through. Julie Ferwerda has such a powerful idea with One Million Arrows that my husband and I are STILL talking about it. As directors of ministries to parents and children at our church, this is going to be the first thing we promote next fall to our families AND with our workers - because we are not just raising children, we are sharpening and refining arrows to send out into our world. We were convicted, we were challenged, and we were encouraged. This book not only convinces you that SOMETHING needs to be done to change the way we parent, but it gives you all the tools to do it. What an amazing challenge - it is a MUST read for parents that want to send out their arrows into the world sharpened and ready to be effective. Here is what someone else has said about the book:

Will the world change our children...or will our children change the world? Time
is short and lives are at stake. Right now, God is inviting our families to
become part of a bigger story—a vision that will engage hearts to make a radical
difference. One Million Arrows is an inspirational call to raise our kids to
impact their culture, community, and world for Christ. If we want our kids to
discover their purpose, if we want them to live with passion for the Kingdom, if
we want our family to go down in His-Story, accept the mission...and leave a
mark for eternity.

DO not miss this incredible book - I am thrilled to be a part of this book/blog tour for a book I believe so strongly in!

Soccer Star

This Spring has been Chloe's first soccer season and, to put it mildly, she is LOVING it!!

I asked Joe if maybe she will be our hidden sports talent - to which he laughed and said, "Only if you like to watch a ballerina on the field." So this may not be her life's calling, but she's loving it. One week left and she is sad to see it end. Here she is in action!

She's aggressive - yep!

Water break!

I see budding talent here!!

Cheerleaders!!

Jada's Big Day!!

Happy Birthday Sweet Jada~

Our Precious Gift Turns 4 Today!!!

Attachment

We started Jada with a play therapist who also specializes in attachment and bonding - it was all for her you know - NOT something Joe nor I needed! We felt that it was worth going to try - yet another person that might have the key to unlock our little one. Our initial thoughts on this wise man was that we could finally breathe a big sigh of relief - he was not another doctor that looked at us and said he was baffled by her behavior - he looked at us with tenderness in his eyes and said, "I've seen it before - all of it." He encouraged us with the progress we have made and sent us home with two books to read (I told you I liked this guy!!).

We went back today for what I thought was his first time with Jada (like I said, Joe NOR I need this therapy). He promptly took us all in his office, had Jada cuddle up on Mom's lap with her feet in Dad's lap and it began. It was a journey like no other. With my almost-four-year-old snuggled up on my lap, we took turns feeding each other a pretzel --literally feeding each other - it's like birdie feeding and it's to build trust. However strange it felt, I put that aside and nearly had tears running down my cheeks. This little one that has spent the last three and a half years of her life with no mommy to feed her was enjoying every minute of her Dad and Mom feeding her pretzels - just like a baby bird with her mouth wide open - except when she was smiling so much she couldn't open very wide.

But the big ride came when our therapist had me tell Jada what it would have been like if she had come out of my tummy. I tell you what, I have never had to think SO hard. I had to tell her what it felt like the day she came out of my tummy, what I thought when she came out of my tummy, what it felt like to hold her minutes after she was born. I was doing all I could to hold myself together as I told my little one "our birth story". She was beaming the whole time - I mean truly beaming - her eyes never left mine - she was soaking it all in. She had a birth story and so did I. I felt for the very first time, that this little one was a part of me. Some feel that with a referral picture - I never did. Some feel it when they are handed their little one - I never did. Some feel it after they've been home a bit - I haven't yet - until today. This little girl, that I have never doubted that God put with our family, and whom I love dearly has just never felt like "mine." I can't explain it any other way - I could follow God's call - I could raise her and shower her with love - but I did not feel that bond as strongly as I had felt it with my other kids......until I told her about the day she was "born". That is not an easy story to tell - but what it did to my heart was amazing.

We then went on to tell her about the day we flew to China and were given one of the best gifts ever!! Her adoption birth story - it is all a part of her greater story. Although she never came out of my tummy - she and I both needed to hear that story. I wasn't the only one crying either - Joe was choking up telling her what he felt the day she was "born". And all the while, I told you Joe NOR I need this therapy - I hang my head in shame - I am never beyond taking help, God puts people in your path to help you. This is another one of those instances. It was an amazing experience. We watched as he pressed her hands and feet on black construction paper to make her prints - just like on the day she was born. Jada will be four in two days - we do not have tiny hand and feet prints in a baby book - but we now have almost-four-year-old hands and size 9 feet prints to remember the day...the day we relived her "coming out of mommy's tummy."

It makes me wonder - who is this therapy for anyway?? We did it for Jada but I see that it may speak volumes to Dad and Mom too....

Mother's Day Thoughts

In honor of Mother's Day, I wanted to share this. A friend shared it with me and it SO resonates with where I am a lot of the time!

Daily-ness

"Blessed is the man who listens to me, watching daily at my doors, waiting at my doorway." Proverbs 8:34

Life wouldn't be so hard if it wasn't so daily. As I sit here surrounded by laundry and dishes piled high in the sink, I see more than ever how life wears us down one day at a time.Crumbs litter the floor and dirty smudges cover the windows. And I have yet to discover where that smell is coming from. For this mother of four, a simple trip to the grocery store requires an act of God and Congress – attempted only when we are down to powdered milk and Ramen noodles. Not thirty minutes ago a little one-year-old boy clung to my legs, belting out that scream - you know the one, bats can hear it. And I felt my coping skills slipping away. Not because he was crying but because he cries every day. The daily-ness. The job of motherhood feels so vast, and frightening, and unending. I am called to raise these children in the fear and admonition of the Lord and yet there are days that I can't seem to get out of my pajamas much less lead them in a time of prayer. I think anyone could endure the temper tantrums of a small child or the rebellion of a teenager or the constant needs of another if they lasted just one day. But the truth is that these things are the stuff of daily life. And when I am honest with myself, they grind down the rough edges of this woman.

Because parenting can not be all about me when diapers must be changed, noses wiped and beds made.In those moments I force myself to take a deep breath and thank God for this season of life. These children. The privilege of wiping noses and bottoms and counter tops. A privilege many women would love to have, but don't. I remind myself that the days are long but the years are short. And one day I will look in the rear-view mirror and see empty seats. The cup that is overflowing right now will slowly drain. The stretch marks will fade. And I will find that a new set of daily struggles has overtaken me. When that day comes I will find the strength to face them as well because God gives the grace, daily. The daily-ness.

As C.S. Lewis once said, "The thing is to rely on God... Meanwhile, the trouble is that relying
on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing has yet been done." Your daily-ness is probably different than mine, but it is nonetheless God-ordained. It is exactly what we need to live dependent on His grace instead of our own strength. The One who knows us best, who knit us together in our mother's womb, has allotted these days that are equal parts trial and triumph. And He knows that we will see Him most clearly from a place of dependence. So today I embrace the normal things. The daily things. Another round of laundry. The ring in my toilet. The dust on my dresser so thick a child could write his name. But even more than that I want to celebrate the important things. A child slowly learning to read. A husband that finds his comfort in my arms. A baby who learns to walk and talk. Because all these are the things of life: some mundane and some holy. And all of them must be received daily.

Dear Lord, sometimes daily life is just hard. And we're tired. And overwhelmed. But You promised to be our strength and our hope and our comfort. So today we look to You for what we need. Would You meet us in this, our daily-ness, and help us receive Your grace?

In Jesus' Name,
Amen.

Grandma's Big Day!!!

Happy Birthday to a FABULOUS Grandma!!
We are truly blessed!

15 Today

15 years ago today we celebrated our first child - a boy!! We couldn't have been more excited!! He is a joy and a very special blessing. He is one of the greatest big brothers I know and has made teenager-land do-able!! We love you big guy!

M&M's Anyone??

Chloe is quite proud and I must share. We went to a local library last week for Kindermusik and, since it was National Library Week, there were drawings for each day - Monday's just happened to be a VERY LARGE jar of M&M's on the counter. Chloe definitely wanted to enter and proudly told me, "It's 1000, Mom - will you write it for me?" We did just that - put in her guess of 1000 and off we went. I must say we were SHOCKED when we got a call that Chloe won - there were 1078 in that jar and she was the closest!!! So we are now the proud owners of 1078 M&M's - anyone want to share!?!!?

Stretching

I know it has been awhile since I have posted my heart's feelings on my blog but today I am feeling compelled to confess where I have been over the last 6 months. As I sat in church this past Sunday and wept away - I was struck again by how sometimes we obey just because we know we need to. I did not have any desire to sing some of those worship songs - I mean really, "Take My Life" - my initial thoughts were "I did that God, I gave my life to you, I followed what you called me to and now I have more work than ever - Jada is more work than I ever dreamed possible and she is one of 5 kids." But I opened my lips and I sang - I sang those words because I believe them. I follow God because I believe Him. I don't follow Him because of what I will get out of it. It is tempting - it is tempting to think, "I've followed you faithfully for over 30 years, and this is what you have for me?" But I know He owes me NOTHING - nothing. I owe Him everything - I still firmly believe that. Even after all we've been through and are still struggling through I know he is big enough and willing to provide for all my needs. If He was willing to provide for the greatest need in my life -redeeming me from sin. If we was willing to do the hardest thing - send his only Son. Then God is big enough and good enough to do what is best for me in all other situations.

I haven't been very vocal or maybe even honest with what we are going through with Jada. But now, after 7 months of testing, 7 months of endless therapy sessions, 7 months of pouring ourselves into Jada, we are feeling compelled to be a bit more open in case there are others like us out there - others struggling with where God has them. We are not any closer to knowing why our Jada is not able to speak. Her eyes are not our main issue anymore - her speech, her three year delay in development, her inability to remember, her lack of large motor skills, her inability to understand concepts such as big and small - those have come to the forefront and loom before us. We have a little girl that is so alert, active, and interested in life, but she can not tell you what she is feeling. We have a little girl that knows that the candle is blue for about 2 minutes and then when you ask her again, she will tell you it is green. She regresses often in potty training, she comes "unglued" when you introduce change - Jada is our gift, she truly is, but she is a little girl that is consuming our lives. We spend our hours driving to speech therapy - even started working with our second speech therapist this week. We will be starting play therapy in a couple of weeks. We have looked into physical therapy as well for her gross motor development but so far, we are waiting to see how we handle all of the appointments we currently have. We have seen over 7 doctors so far to help us diagnose her problems and try to help her move forward. We have filled out MOUNTAINS of paperwork to try to apply for waivers to help us cover all of the medical costs and get her further help from specialists. And after all of this, we still feel like we are floundering looking for the "key" to unlock our little one.

We had no idea this would be our calling - probably a good thing as I'm pretty sure I would have told God I was not up to the task had I known before what I know now. But He gives me things daily that encourage me and keep me going. We got a big one a few weeks ago - we had applied for insurance coverage for Jada's genetic testing - we were told by the doctor that ordered it that we would probably be denied and have to appeal - as our insurance company rarely accepts genetic testing. After just that one try - we were given the go-ahead. We couldn't believe it - that was amazing.

Yesterday God did it again - we got a call from an organization we applied to, to get a waiver for Jada. If we could get a waiver, it would help us pay for medical bills that are not covered by our insurance, pay for therapists/specialists, and even other specialty items that might benefit

Jada. We filled out PAGES of paperwork to apply and we were told up front - by two different people in the process - expect a wait of at least six weeks and then expect to be denied - after which, we should get ready for a lengthy appeal. We got a call yesterday from the office and were told that Jada was approved. The person I spoke with attempted to call early in the morning but I wasn't home. Later that afternoon when I called him back he explained that all through the day he kept coming back to Jada's file. He said he was compelled by her story and her needs and couldn't get her out of his mind. I am so thankful that God moved this man's heart to read and reread her papers. I can not even tell you how big of a mountain that was - and God just pushed it out of the way like it was nothing but a speck of dust. I love that - He shows me over and over that He knows this is hard for me and yet, He is right there with me. He is letting me struggle through this - but He isn't leaving me to struggle on my own - he is putting his arms around me and holding me close even when I feel like pushing away and pouting a bit.

Adoption is wonderful - I STILL love everything about adoption - and that is why I've been hesitant to post anything about our struggles. I don't want to scare people away - but there is a reality too - just as in our biological children - we do not know what God has planned for us or our children. So would I adopt again tomorrow?? You bet I would - I still believe it shows God's great love for us and for those He created. But it may take you on a ride that you never imagined and stretch you until you are not sure there is any stretch left.

I am reminded daily- remember the post I did before we ever got Jada? How when we chose the name Jada we didn't even know it was a Bible name? And how GOD chose her name Jada - which is Hebrew for "He knows." Indeed He does know - and He does care. So on my worst days when I am not sure I can go one step further on my own - I believe He is smiling down at me and saying, "That's right Becky, you can't go one more step on your own - I don't even want you to - because I want you to rely TOTALLY on me."

5 Years Ago Today

I know that some people do not like the term "Gotcha Day" but we love it!! It's simple and endearing and it's TODAY at our house!! Five years ago today in a hot room in the Civil Affairs office in Hunan, China we were given a little girl that we had no idea how much we would fall in love with.

Chosen for us from thousands of miles away, God picked Chloe to live with this family in Iowa. We are so blessed - she is a joy - a little girl that has come into our home and, for which, we will ALL never be the same. God's gift of adoption of us is amazing - even more so when we see it first hand though our family - we are so grateful for our Chloe Rebecca Liang...

Happy Easter

Happy Easter from all of us to all of you!!