No Regrets

Three years ago this weekend we were given a file for a little girl that was born with no irises.  We didn't even know that could happen and we had no idea what that could mean.  We read, made phone calls, studied and realized that it could mean Kidney Cancer, it could mean Mental Retardation, it could mean delays, it could mean blindness, it could mean virtually no problems at all.  Of course that is what we wanted - NO PROBLEMS AT ALL, who wouldn't!?!?!  And after agonizing over what to do - we both said, "Can we say No?" and our answer was "No, we can not say no."  And so we moved forward asking God to keep opening doors if that is what He wanted for us.  He didn't shut one - and we have been blown away by

His goodness....

















And His wisdom.....

And His Plan.

Giving to Those Who Can't....

I just want to give a shout-out for a VERY worthy cause - let's go beyond ourselves and reach out to bless others.  The Sparrow Fund does just that and allows us to be a part - through their Etsy store - I have bought from them and their work is gorgeous.  Their funds have been low in January and the women in Kenya are counting on these sales to provide for themselves and their families.  I just want to spread the word - we can help beyond our borders and I love to do that when I can!  (They also just launched a way for adoptive families to raise money for their adoptions and yes, that is also near and dear to my heart!!)

Adopted....

We were getting ready for the Katelyn's Fund Service in Sioux Center yesterday and we all had to wear shirts that said, "Adopted". As Chloe was putting hers on, she said to me, "OH GREAT, now EVERYONE will know I am adopted!" It took me off guard - I forget that to these little ones, sometimes they have no idea that they look differently or that people can easily look and see that they are most definitely adopted. Don't I wish we all saw things that way!!!

Then she went on to tell me, "Mom, I am very lucky - I am adopted TWO times!!" And I looked at my little one in amazement, as I said, "Yes, you have been adopted twice - and how blessed you are!!" Praising God for adoption today and everyday!

Here is the video that was playing as we went up front - almost 300 of us - with our "Adopted" shirts on. Love it that we can all be adopted by our Great God!!!

Trip to the Summit

Nope, I haven't taken up mountain climbing - but I am going to learn more about the intricacies and blessings of adoption!!

So if you are going too - let me know - I'd love to meet up!!

Orphan Summit

One Less

Two Years Ago Today.....

We saw our Jada's face for the very first time.

That is one day we will never forget - a day we begged God for wisdom, as we had such a short time to decide if this dear one would be our next daughter.

And yes, 2 years later, we are still praising God He showed us YES!!

Jada Faith - you are a blessing!

Deep Talks

I knew it would come - no matter how much you read about how to talk to your children about adoption, it doesn't make it any easier. The sad reality is always hovering there and it can be a tough thing. So here was our conversation yesterday:

Chloe: Mom, how many relatives do I have in my orphanage in China?

Me: Well, I don't think you have any relatives there since none of those children would be actually related to you.

Chloe: Oh, do you think there were 100 kids there with me?

Me: Yes, Chloe there were at least 100 other kids there with you.

Chloe: That is SO sad, Mom, all those kids and their first moms and dads can't take care of them.

Me: I agree, it is very sad. We don't know why every time, but I do agree, for some children, their moms and dads just can not take care of them, so they leave them at an orphanage hoping that someone else that can take care of them will find them.

Chloe: That's why you have me, right?

Me: Well, we aren't sure, but that could be the reason. You could be right.

Chloe: I know I'm right, Mom. My first Mom and Dad could not take care of me so they took me to the orphanage and they KNEW you'd find me.

Me: ******** (That was my stunned silence.) I love that idea, Chloe. And I am so glad that they allowed us to take you to live with us. God has a good plan!

Chloe: Me too, because they knew I'd need glasses and you'd have to buy them for me.

Me: Yes - I am glad we can buy you glasses and take care of you. We love having you for our daughter. But I'm also glad God gave you to us for another reason.

Chloe: Why is that?

Me: Because many people in China do not know about God and I am so glad God brought you here so you could learn about Him.

Chloe: (Imagine this, if you can, in her best almost-seven-year-old -adult -voice) Mom, I am SO glad I learned about God. I just CAN NOT imagine my life without Him.

She makes me smile......

Livestock Ramblings....

We are always looking for ways to show our kids that God is at work. So, when we started our adoption of Chloe, I heard a speaker share how her family said that God owns the cattle on a thousand hills - so whenever they got a grant or a sum of money they told their kids, "God sold another cow." We LOVED that and I came right home and shared with our kids that that would be how we would watch God provide for us. And we did. Every time we received a grant, we'd say, "God sold another cow!" We loved it - it was a tangible way to show His constant care for us.

When we began our adoption to Jada, and stepped out again in faith financially, our kids said, "Well, God just has to sell a lot of cows!" And that is just what He did for us - cow after cow, we made our way to China and brought Jada home. That isn't to say he provided every penny the way we thought He would - some of it we received by taking a second mortgage (right or wrong financially - we felt it was the way God was providing for us since that was our last option before we traveled).

Now that we are home with both girls - AND I felt God leading me to quit my job at the library (for a number of reasons - some good, some bad - I am still glad to be home) we are tighter than ever financially. Our stepping out in faith was good for us, and still continues to be - God keeps us right on the edge to watch Him provide. (I hope this doesn't sound like complaining - nope, I see right where God has us and I am just grateful that He provides for us enough to pay the bills each month!) So, a few weeks ago we get a call from a meat locker near here and the gal shares with us that someone purchased a portion of a cow for us and how would we like it processed?? Can you just see how great God is??? Once again, we had to smile - He provided a COW for us to show us He's still watching out and providing for us!! I love that - I wanted to share with everyone how God will NOT let you flounder on your own when you follow Him. I think the poor gal on the other end of the line thought I had lost it - I said a couple of times, "A Cow?? How awesome is that??" Yep, the cow is home - in our freezer and we feel so blessed. It was an anonymous gift - we can't even appropriately say thank you - but that is just how God likes to do it sometimes. I know, some are shaking their heads and saying, "Becky, it's a cow - really!!" But God just does not drop cows on you everyday and to us it was a great big hug from Him!

Changed Us, That's for Sure!

Creation Groans from Christian Alliance for Orphans on Vimeo.

One Year Ago....

Exactly one year ago we were in agony - literal agony! We knew we needed to travel SOON to go and get Jada or everything in our adoption file would need to be renewed - we were looking at thousands of dollars to renew all of that but if God would move mountains, that would all be forgotten and we could go and get Jada. He did it - we had only a few days notice, but He put it all in place and with just a few days to pack and get everyone in order, we were off.

I have been thinking on that a lot lately - this time last year I was wondering what God was going to do. I was worried about a little girl that had so many "unknowns" to her. I was fearful to leave our four children and travel all the way around the world YET AGAIN to add to our already-busy family. I remember it well - all of the unknowns and fears. And yet, I'd do it again tomorrow if God called me. Has it been easy? Wow - if you read my blog at all, you'll know we've had HUGE hurdles - beginning with my lovely blood clot that formed while in China!! But God has worked in it all - and I pray it's only to bring glory to Him.

What I think on most though is the little girl that I easily could have never gotten to know. The day we got to meet Jada for the first time I remember saying to Joe, "There is nothing in there - she's an empty shell." She didn't talk, she didn't look at us - it was scary. I prayed and asked God for ANYTHING - any sign to tell us to take her home - little did I know that Joe was praying the same thing - and we both felt He showed us nothing. We felt alone - scared - worried - I can hardly put it into words. We felt we had clearly followed His path and yet at the end was a little girl that was so empty that she was almost frightening to us. (This coming from someone that has seen ALL kinds of kids - I have worked with kids for over 20 years - but I had never seen anything like this.) I remember the day we took her back to the government office to sign the papers and we had another family there from the U.S. that was giving their little girl back and saying they could not take her. They were beside themselves - it literally hurt them to say no, but her needs were so far beyond what they could care for that they felt they had to give her back - they could not take her home. My heart broke for them - what horrible pain - and yet, a part of me totally understood - I, too, was given a little girl that seemed FAR WORSE than what I had envisioned. I remember that part of me that thought - it would just be easier right now to say No, and head back home - empty-handed and sad, and yet with far less to worry about.

BUT I am SO glad God intervened - He gave us no reason to NOT take her home - that is what we kept coming back to. We had been called, this little one needed a home, and we could do that. I kept looking for a glimmer in her eye - anything to show that she was "there" - that she was ok. Now, almost a year later, we have seen it. We have seen her "glimmer", there is a little girl in there that only needed to be let out to live. A little girl that makes funny jokes even with very limited speech. A little girl that amazes us with her zest for life after all she has been through. A little girl that is far more resilient than her own mom could ever be! She has taught me so much - about myself, about life, and about God. I am glad God never gives up on me - just like we have never given up on her. I am glad He brought us on this journey to watch our little blossom unfold and bloom. All I can say is "Thank you God, for what you've called us to. Amazing."

Hope is Fading

This is a student project that Allan Rosenow made - as a member of a family with 13 special needs adoptions - this child really knows the meaning of adoption - I was touched by this. Pray you will be too.....

Hope is Fading from Allan Rosenow on Vimeo.

Stretching

I know it has been awhile since I have posted my heart's feelings on my blog but today I am feeling compelled to confess where I have been over the last 6 months. As I sat in church this past Sunday and wept away - I was struck again by how sometimes we obey just because we know we need to. I did not have any desire to sing some of those worship songs - I mean really, "Take My Life" - my initial thoughts were "I did that God, I gave my life to you, I followed what you called me to and now I have more work than ever - Jada is more work than I ever dreamed possible and she is one of 5 kids." But I opened my lips and I sang - I sang those words because I believe them. I follow God because I believe Him. I don't follow Him because of what I will get out of it. It is tempting - it is tempting to think, "I've followed you faithfully for over 30 years, and this is what you have for me?" But I know He owes me NOTHING - nothing. I owe Him everything - I still firmly believe that. Even after all we've been through and are still struggling through I know he is big enough and willing to provide for all my needs. If He was willing to provide for the greatest need in my life -redeeming me from sin. If we was willing to do the hardest thing - send his only Son. Then God is big enough and good enough to do what is best for me in all other situations.

I haven't been very vocal or maybe even honest with what we are going through with Jada. But now, after 7 months of testing, 7 months of endless therapy sessions, 7 months of pouring ourselves into Jada, we are feeling compelled to be a bit more open in case there are others like us out there - others struggling with where God has them. We are not any closer to knowing why our Jada is not able to speak. Her eyes are not our main issue anymore - her speech, her three year delay in development, her inability to remember, her lack of large motor skills, her inability to understand concepts such as big and small - those have come to the forefront and loom before us. We have a little girl that is so alert, active, and interested in life, but she can not tell you what she is feeling. We have a little girl that knows that the candle is blue for about 2 minutes and then when you ask her again, she will tell you it is green. She regresses often in potty training, she comes "unglued" when you introduce change - Jada is our gift, she truly is, but she is a little girl that is consuming our lives. We spend our hours driving to speech therapy - even started working with our second speech therapist this week. We will be starting play therapy in a couple of weeks. We have looked into physical therapy as well for her gross motor development but so far, we are waiting to see how we handle all of the appointments we currently have. We have seen over 7 doctors so far to help us diagnose her problems and try to help her move forward. We have filled out MOUNTAINS of paperwork to try to apply for waivers to help us cover all of the medical costs and get her further help from specialists. And after all of this, we still feel like we are floundering looking for the "key" to unlock our little one.

We had no idea this would be our calling - probably a good thing as I'm pretty sure I would have told God I was not up to the task had I known before what I know now. But He gives me things daily that encourage me and keep me going. We got a big one a few weeks ago - we had applied for insurance coverage for Jada's genetic testing - we were told by the doctor that ordered it that we would probably be denied and have to appeal - as our insurance company rarely accepts genetic testing. After just that one try - we were given the go-ahead. We couldn't believe it - that was amazing.

Yesterday God did it again - we got a call from an organization we applied to, to get a waiver for Jada. If we could get a waiver, it would help us pay for medical bills that are not covered by our insurance, pay for therapists/specialists, and even other specialty items that might benefit

Jada. We filled out PAGES of paperwork to apply and we were told up front - by two different people in the process - expect a wait of at least six weeks and then expect to be denied - after which, we should get ready for a lengthy appeal. We got a call yesterday from the office and were told that Jada was approved. The person I spoke with attempted to call early in the morning but I wasn't home. Later that afternoon when I called him back he explained that all through the day he kept coming back to Jada's file. He said he was compelled by her story and her needs and couldn't get her out of his mind. I am so thankful that God moved this man's heart to read and reread her papers. I can not even tell you how big of a mountain that was - and God just pushed it out of the way like it was nothing but a speck of dust. I love that - He shows me over and over that He knows this is hard for me and yet, He is right there with me. He is letting me struggle through this - but He isn't leaving me to struggle on my own - he is putting his arms around me and holding me close even when I feel like pushing away and pouting a bit.

Adoption is wonderful - I STILL love everything about adoption - and that is why I've been hesitant to post anything about our struggles. I don't want to scare people away - but there is a reality too - just as in our biological children - we do not know what God has planned for us or our children. So would I adopt again tomorrow?? You bet I would - I still believe it shows God's great love for us and for those He created. But it may take you on a ride that you never imagined and stretch you until you are not sure there is any stretch left.

I am reminded daily- remember the post I did before we ever got Jada? How when we chose the name Jada we didn't even know it was a Bible name? And how GOD chose her name Jada - which is Hebrew for "He knows." Indeed He does know - and He does care. So on my worst days when I am not sure I can go one step further on my own - I believe He is smiling down at me and saying, "That's right Becky, you can't go one more step on your own - I don't even want you to - because I want you to rely TOTALLY on me."

Dear Friends

I wish I could tell you the whole story of how far back we go with these friends. But that would take HOURS so suffice it to say - we were friends back in Grand Rapids - they saw all of our babies right shortly after they were born - we were there to see their boys right after they were born - we hung out together for fun - we went to the same church - even changed churches when we felt we needed to and ended up at the same church again. We moved to Iowa, they helped us move. They moved shortly after we did because they liked our quaint little city and because Tim found a good job while they were here helping us. We were there shortly after Dani was born, and we raced home from a vacation when we found out that Kari had been in a horrible car accident which took the short life of their precious Dani. I sang at Dani's funeral (I don't think you could call that singing - that was more like begging God to bring a song where there was none). They have loved on all of our kids and we think the world of their boys. But our girls especially think that Kari is WONDERFUL!! She is that special lady that is finding fun fabric for them and making them dresses and pajamas, and she spends time playing and talking with them. She has built a real bond with both Chloe and Jada. Kari and I even work together at our local library - why they allowed that we have no idea!! We've continued in a friendship that isn't a "have to" but a constant source of confident strength. When you need someone - you know they will be there - that's just the kind of friends they are. SO - a few years ago now, when they announced they were going to adopt from China - my heart leaped. I knew they would enjoy their little one as much as we had enjoyed our two girls and I could not wait for them to experience it. We've followed their ups and downs, we've struggled to fill out paperwork together, and thrilled together as they've gotten closer and cried together when the wait felt like it wasn't moving at all. We were honored when they called us the day they got little Lexi's file - we felt privileged to pray alongside them and watch God work. After they accepted her, we knew it would be soon that they would be traveling so we asked if we could help plan a tip night as friends had done for us. We were honored this past week to be a part of that. EVERYONE took part, Joe and I delivered pizzas to tables and kept the buffets clean and plates filled, the boys washed dishes and bussed tables, and the girls carried mints around to tables and gave coloring pages to kids. We asked a few friends to help us from our church and they were just as willing as we were. (We were all exhausted and think we never want to see a pizza again though!!!) That's what I love - to see people rally around for others. We all were so thrilled just to be a small part. And God truly blessed their night - people gave over and above to this sweet family. I went to bed thinking that God must be grinning at what his people did for this family!

Less than two days later, we find out they are SOON (as in TWO WEEKS!!!) on their way to China. I am telling you - I was awake much of that night after Kari called - I feel like it's us all over again - my excitement level is so high. I'm starting lists for her - what to take, what to remember - whether she likes it or not, I email her 20 times a day with little things I don't want to forget - I just LOVE it!!! I can't wait to see Alexis in their arms and meet her in person! Love to watch a new little one come home!

What We're SO THANKFUL for this Year!

Last year at this time - this song made us cry - ok, this year it still does! But for MANY different reasons. Praying for those that are STILL waiting - there is nothing easy about that wait - but yes, the end is SO rewarding. Praising God for His Gifts of adoption!

New Site!!

It is the reality - you adopt - you spend your life scouring for things to help you be the best parent you can!!! And that includes buying books and other items about the country where your child/children were born - anything that will help them with identity later on! SO when this new site - AJ Panda - contacted me about their new site - I was excited to go check it out. It really is GOOD. What I liked most were not just the items you can purchase, but all of the extra info about Chinese history and culture - it is a treasure-trove of information! And just in time for Christmas - there are some fun toys, dolls, jewelry, and Christmas ornaments you can purchase as well! See for yourself - I highly recommend it and wanted to get the word out!

Why Wouldn't I?

Couldn't have said it better myself - so I won't even try!

The Reality

Parenting is NOT easy - it is full of curve balls and question marks. But where I feel I struggle more is parenting adopted children. I question myself constantly. Why does she cry so long when I leave? Is she afraid I won't come back? How long should we let her sleep in our room on the mattress? How can I show her that we won't leave her? How can I best show her that her past is part of who she is? What are encouraging things I can say to her to represent her birth mom? Why does she wake up so often with night terrors? What were her living conditions like - and how does that play into our life now? I could go on and on. It is just different to me - I second guess so many things that I may or may not do for our boys and not give a second thought. I hope, with time, that some of that will go away - but we've had Chloe over 4 years and I still find myself there often.

So I feel SO blessed by a book I was sent this week - 20 Things Adoptive Parents Need to Succeed by Sherrie Eldridge. I have read other books by Eldridge that have opened my eyes to things, but this one is SO right where I am! She has given me the freedom to say, "Parenting adopted children IS different - and it's ok to ask question and voice your fears and frustrations." As an adopted child herself, Eldridge is full of wisdom in how to care for our little ones - what their backgrounds may have been, and some feelings they may experience.

Here is one of my favorite "Ah-hahs":

• Parenting Success, Adoption-Style
• To work through my personal issues thoroughly, in order to hear the heart needs of my child.
• To identify with my child on his/her emotional level and to mirror acceptance.
• To accept and nurture the nature created within my child's first home, the birth mother's womb.
• To learn and accept the complex realities of adoption as our unique life challenge - not trying to change the challenges into what the nonadoptive world expects.
• To base love and acceptance of my child on his personhood, not his performance.

Maybe it's just me (although I doubt it) but I needed the freedom to read these things. I needed to see what success may look like - I have so many fears of my inadequacies (I'll admit it - even more after bringing Jada home - CAN I be for her what she needs??). So this book is just really meeting me where I am. I am learning TONS. I am finding that in each chapter I am having to hold back from highlighting the entire chapter!

She ends each chapter by giving you a time to "Listen to your child's heart" - she gives thoughts on how adoptive children may look at situation. Here is one I can relate to having both of the girls in mind....

"When you hold me for the first time as a baby, if I arch my back and won't let you cuddle close to me, I'm not rejecting you. I'm hurting. I miss my first home - my birth mother's womb. Don't let the cycle of rejection begin. If you interpret my actions as rejection, then I'll sense that and I'll feel rejected. Hold me closely until I mold my body to you, even if I cry. This is what I need."

I guess that's why I want to share this book - it is a gift this week - exactly what I needed as I'm questioning what I KNOW God has called me to. It's a big task - but I am thrilled at the growing He must have for me!!

National Adoption Month

I am always looking for good ways to celebrate National Adoption Month and this was SO good. I copied the PDF from Adoptive Families Online.
2009 National Adoption Month Calendar

Mama Sheep

For many of you, when you read this, we will already be in the air heading toward China. It is so hard to be a mom and leave your kids behind - I can not even tell you how it hurts, as I let quiet tears fall for the 4 blessings that I leave here while we travel. But I know what we've been called to, and I know God will give grace to all of us. However, it is words such as these, shared by a dear friend today - that really resonate with me. I want to share them with all of you -

Reflections of a Waiting Mom
I've got three of my four children in my fold, but my heart says it's time to go get my lost little lamb.

You know, I used to wonder how Jesus the Good Shepherd could leave the 99 behind (although He never really leaves us) to go and look for his lost lamb. I think I have a better idea now. A few years back, we were given the opportunity through B's job to go to Australia. I couldn't do it. I had no desire to leave my babies that far behind. Granted, they were littler then. But it didn't even tempt me.

Now, in order to bring my little lamb home, I can leave my other 3 lambs in the fold without me. I can go halfway around the world. This time is different. I need to go. I won't hesitate. For this little while, the one needs me more than the 3. And I know God will be with them when I'm gone.

That was said so much better than I could have said it myself, and it echoes my heart right now. (Adoptive moms must be heart like-minded!) Chloe told me today that tomorrow will be a hard day - I wholeheartedly agree with her!! So thank you my dear friend for sharing these words with me - as we go to find our little lamb.......

2:17 pm

What do you do when the phone rings at 2:17 pm? Well ANSWER IT, of course. But before you do - you PRAY that you won't sound disappointed with the person on the other end if it's not your social worker. BUT IT WAS our social worker - so then I try to hold my emotions in check as she tells me she has talked to Grand Rapids - do we DARE hope that it is about our TA??? AND IT WAS!! We got our TA today (sorry for all the caps - it's the only way to share our excitement over here!!) Now, just like God, we have one more hurdle before we are cleared to go. (I am telling you what - I could do a whole post on how God keeps me SO dependent on Him - not a bad thing, but for me, it's DAILY!!!) Ok - here's the deal - the consulate in China has an appointment for a Bethany group for Sept. 24, but they also have the power to say "NO, The Bilby's can not be in that appointment." We are begging for more prayer - that God moves the hearts of those workers - that they let us in. Our social worker reminded us that that leaves us right about a week to travel. She said we may even travel and have no itinerary or travel arrangements after arriving - but I just had to smile - see, that's exactly how God works with us!!!

We are just praising God for answered prayer - and we continue to sit at His throne for yet another request. We know He's just smiling as He has it ALL worked out already.
I love this scripture that a friend sent us today:

Psalm 115
11 You who fear him, trust in the LORD—
he is their help and shield.

12 The LORD remembers us and will bless us:
He will bless the house of Israel,
he will bless the house of Aaron,
(I will add – he will bless the house of Joe and Becky)

13 he will bless those who fear the LORD—
small and great alike.

14 May the LORD make you increase,
both you and your children.
(including Jada with Micah, Caleb, Aaron and Chloe)

15 May you be blessed by the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

What a GREAT God we have - One that has been there before us and LONGS to bless us.

One other thing: I want to be SO cautious how I post this - I know there are many other families that are waiting that read our blog. Our hearts are truly with you - I pray your TA's came today as well but if they didn't - I pray, as I did for us every time word came out and we didn't get ours, that you will rest in His peace. There is NOTHING easy about this wait and we GET IT. We have been there and pray with you all.

So continue to pray with us - we are supposed to hear by Tuesday or Wednesday a firm "yes" or "no" - if it's a "yes" - this momma needs to "get packin'"!!!